The Star That's Ready to Shine

Just call me Niestar because it's time for me to shine. I have to put my best foot forward this time. This year is the year my life will change forever. I'll cross the threshold into womanhood as my hair blows in the wind. I'll talk about married life and how good it is, praying that it'll get nothing but better. I'll travel out of the country and meet my father-in-law and pray he won't look at me like a little 'merican girl. I'll finally get my own place and have the opportunity to put my stamp on everything. I can have people over for dinner parties or just to watch TV. I can disciple my girls with an actual place to take them. I'll work on being a better me from the inside out. I'll get the most revelation from God than I ever have and I'll understand my purpose in this world. I'll let go of the past and experience all the future has to hold, drama free. I'll write, I'll dance, I'll sing, I'll laugh, I'll laugh 'til I cry, I'll accept, I'll grown up, I'll press in, I'll look up and I'll love.

Fight or Flight

Ever since I was a little girl, I always had a plan prepared to run away. Just in case things got too bad, too difficult to handle. Quite honestly, that has followed me into adulthood. Lately that feeling has been coming back. The plotting has begun again. I know where I would go and how I would do it. I'd run so far, so fast, without looking back. Start all over with a new life. A new life. That's a breath of fresh air. This one's riddled with too many mistakes, too many regrets. But what about my mom? I'd send her letters, checks, make sure she's taken care of. It's the least I could do. Everyone else would forget and move on with their lives. They already have.

It's Pretty Time!

This wedding is bringing out my knit-picking side. The part of me that wants everything to be perfect, yet look effortless. But baby, pretty ain't never effortless!

So I'm on a hype now. Keeping my nails done, hair done, and working on the rest. I want to look in a mirror and be pleased, not avoid one like I've been doing since I don't meet my own standards of beauty. If I'm self-confident, then I can encourage and love my husband even more and everyone else for that matter.

You say, "What does your appearance have to do with self-confidence? Can't you be supportive without all that?" How I feel on the inside is reflected in my appearance. I give, care and love even when I don't feel good or don't feel like it, but how much more effective could I be if I were taking care of myself??

Either way, watch out world. It may not be today or tomorrow, but I'm coming and I'm coming strong!!

God Has a Sense of Humor!

It's funny how when you really need to hear an encouraging word, God will send it through the most unlikely vessel. I have people who just act downright crazy speaking words of knowledge to me and they have no clue. Don't you tell me that God can't use anyone. If He can use a donkey...

The Breakup Letter I Never Wrote But Should Have

Who do you think you are? After I gave you my time, my money, my life you say it's over? Oh no, let's set the record straight. I'm the one calling it quits. I'm tired of having to submit to you, yet you continuously remind me you're not my husband. I'm tired of having to drive over an hour to see you two, three times a week and you do nothing. I'm tired of feeling the residue of sin when I cross Sacramento city limits. Like a fool I let you sit and tell me about some girl you were obsessed with at your church and how you two would go out together. But in the same breath you told me it was okay because we weren't in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I should have been done with you then, but like a young, dumb fool I stayed.

I'm tired of living with the regret of the decisions I made with you. You controlled me all in the name of the Lord. And I fell for it. Hard. I still don't feel strong enough to stand on my own two feet, but that's all about to change. I have a destiny to fulfill, and it obviously doesn't include you. You made that perfectly clear with your ultimatum email. It's time to move onward and upward. I'm breaking up with you forever. This is the closure we never had because you said we needed to not talk for a while, which turned into 4 years of unanswered questions. But it's all good. I've found someone that's willing to love me, not criticize me or fit me into his little mold. He gives me what I need and doesn't make me choose between him and my mother, family, school, or church. He supports me and doesn't forsake me. He doesn't love me just when it's convenient. It's becoming clear now. You were just for a season. He is forever. So thanks for the good memories, because there were some. But I am now officially breaking the ties to all guilt, shame, fear and disobedience that are tied to your name. I've gotta move on.


Simply put, I'm through with you. Goodbye.

Sisterhood

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted a best friend. Someone to laugh with and fight with and no matter what, we would always stick together. We would go through the stages of life together: husbands, kids, menopause. We would encourage each other, cry together, sacrifice for each other. All for the sake of sisterhood.

Then I realized, what I really want is a sister.

I've been looking for friends to fill the void of a relationship I should have with my sisters. And now my fiancee has to deal with the fact that I see him as the one to fill all the voids left in my life. Praise God for this revelation. The only one that can fill my voids is Jesus. And as I continue to pray, I know that God will give me the desires of my heart in due time.

True Emotion

Yet in all things we are more than conquerors though Him who loved us. -Romans 8:37

My Relay Experience

I've been planning on running the CIM since January. I started off here and there with my training, picked up in September and October, then nothing. As the year progressed, life got in the way and stopped me from preparing.
One of my life's dreams was to be a long distance runner. They are so serious and focused! And most of all, they reap the benefit of their labor as they cross the finish line. My dad was the one that actually told me that if I ran the relay, I had to run the last leg so I would know what it felt like to be a winner. Luckily for me, the last leg was the shortest, so I was able to convince my team to let me run the last leg.
This past week was hard. Final papers, premarital counseling and a race?? I still hadn't trained for the race and was pretty discouraged about everything. Premarital counseling was weighing on me, work was still up in the air and I still wasn't meeting my goals. I complained about the race, I tried to talk others into running for me, I prayed that I would get sick. ANYTHING to get out of this race!!
I finally just cried out to God and left it all up to Him. I told Him if I ran the race, it would be because of His power and grace because I had nothing to bring to the table. Then I remembered God has been faithful to meet every need, no matter how difficult. The new motto became: Is there anything too hard for the Lord?
I headed up to Sac with a positive attitude, ready to conquer the race. Sunday morning greeted me with 29 degree weather. We boarded the bus for the 4th leg, waited for three hours, then got off the bus to wait at the third exchange line. My teammate didn't cross the line until after 11. I knew it would take me at least an hour and a half to complete my 5.7 mile leg. I strapped on my timer and off I went. A slow steady trot got me through the first mile. In the second mile, I was confronted by a hill. Still not sure why, but I felt like Caleb. Maybe David and Goliath was a better comparison. I had to conquer the hill! I picked up the pace and made it to the top. I took off my jacket, wrapped it around my waist, took off my hat and held it in my hand. It was running time.
Everything was good for a while, but all of a sudden I got really tired. I'd run for 30 seconds, then walk. I kept it up for almost a mile!! God bless those relief workers! I was able to get a cup of water and I downed it as it dribbled across my chin. I didn't care. Finishing was more important than looking cute. I called on God again, reminding Him of his promises to me. He told me to sing, "You are a mighty God." And I did. So He went from mighty in verse one, to faithful in verse two, and holy in verse three. It worked. I was running at a steady pace again and almost through another mile.
Did I already say relief workers are a blessing?? They gave me some Gu and I'm telling you, that stuff was made in heaven!! I turned into a super hero, taking the course by storm!! I guess running on an empty stomach isn't a good idea...
Much of the rest of the course is a blur. Toward the end, I saw the finish line and I knew I had done it. I was a finisher by the grace of God. The closer I got, I realized the sign wasn't the finish, but a freeway entrance sign! AHHH!!! Along the way I saw quite a few members of the church, walking back to the hotel. Was I that slow? It didn't matter at that point, I was finishing!! Made two lefts and there was the finish! Oh glory hallelujah!! There was Floyd, Elder Mike and Deacon Gary cheering me on. The last ones standing!
Looking back I realize, this is all a faith walk! Trusting and believing God is the beginning and the ending. And praise God I made it to the end!!

We Don't Die, We Multiply!

Pre-Marital Counseling is rough! Don't let anyone tell you differently! So many things are revealed that you never really took the time to pay attention to. Or, it could be things you never really wanted to see.

BAM! WHOOSH! POW! ZING!

YOU'RE CAUGHT IN A WHIRLWIND OF FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND THOUGHTS RACING THOUGH YOUR MIND LIKE THE INDY 500. WHAT TO DO, HOW TO DO IT, AND DOING IT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

STOP!!!!

Then you think: Is all this really worth it?

The love I have for my betrothed won't die, no matter what we go through. This is how I know it's real.

This is how I know it's God.

Unequivocally, YES!!

You're Not Alone

My girls (BMs) have been calling me a Warrior Bride for a couple reasons:

1. I fight for what I want for my wedding!
2. It was a name given to me a couple years back based on the song Emma by Jason Upton.

So I will post the song lyrics here for my girl Angelica.
Admittedly, these words have become a blessing in my life.
Hope they bless you too, 'cause you're not alone!! :)

I’ve got a band aide waiting and a kiss for free
You’re not alone you’re not alone
Don’t be afraid of your blind belief
Because the more you fl...y the more you’ll see
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Look beyond the window there
To the sky above to the open air
Look beyond what you can see
Close your eyes and just believe

The lion roars and the lamb lays down
They live together in a whole new town
They’re calling me and they’re calling you
From the cold hard facts that we’re on our own
To the age old truth that we’re not alone

Don’t be afraid little warrior bride
Your victory’s on the other side
You’re not alone you’re not alone

Heavy but Determined

I get all excited when a situation presents itself (sometimes this is a second or third time it has presented) and I can show that I've grown past it. My insides jump for joy because I've accomplished something yet again. But when the opposite happens, my insides go limp. What haven't I done to become a better person and why? What is really holding me back? Have I truly grown at all, or just found ways to cover up the real problem?

Today I choose to say no to the roller coaster of doubt and confusion. I will push past the pain and discomfort and FIGHT. In this moment I choose to love the place I'm in and trust my Father to take me through. No problem's too big for him. He's GOD!

You're My Friend 'till the End

Friend (n):
1. a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard.
2. a person who gives assistance; patron; supporter: friends of the Boston Symphony.
3. a person who is on good terms with another; a person who is not hostile: Who goes there? Friend or foe?

This weekend, I chose to be a friend. My mom had to remind me, "Niesha, everyone's not going to act the way you want them to." I've always had a criteria of what my friends should be. And yet, it seemed like no one met those standards. Being alone is easy for me because I'm an only child, but I know that the gifts God have given me are not for me.

I've felt rejection so much that it became my friend. I believed that people didn't accept me for who I am. I'm still not sure how much truth is in that statement, but I can say that I want to live in freedom no matter how they feel about me. Yes, I'm loud sometimes and I have a little touch of attitude, but I've never been someone unwilling to change if my flaws are presented to me.

Can I be your friend? I'll be good. I'll check on you when you're sick, be a shoulder to cry on, an ear to listen, go shopping with you, laugh at your not-so-funny jokes. Let's grow together, sis!

Just give me a chance. You won't be disappointed. You'll fall in love. And so will I.

You go girl! No really, GO!!

Friends,

Take my advice: Save your money and elope! Get a cute dress and run away. Don't look back. Don't think about all those family members that will be devastated. Because believe me, they will be happy they saved their money, too. Not to mention the fact they will move on.

BUT YOUR SANITY WILL NOT!

It's too many people to please, too many attitudes to deal with, too many suggestions, not enough help, arguments that could have been avoided, and tons of money going down the drain.

Then Floyd says, "You wouldn't have it any other way." And sadly I have to admit, he's right. I just have to make my dream a reality. Hope to see you on the other side!

Did she really??

I was at work yesterday and during my morning break I was prompted to use the ladies room. I was walking to my favorite stall (don't you have a favorite stall, too?) and didn't realize it was occupied until I almost ran into the door.

The woman on the other side decided that using the stall for other reasons than just the toliet was best. She continued (looks like I'd interrupted her) her full fledge convo on the phone about drama in her department. And she told the person she was in the bathroom, yet did not once offer to call the person back!! On and on about how crazy her co-workers and supervisors were and of course she was the savior of the department (it's a Kaiser thing...). I left the bathroom and she was STILL ON THE PHONE!! No flush or anything...

Stay Busy

An idle mind is the devil's playground. It's bittersweet to have so much going on at one time. The goal, however, is to make sure the work is productive and will push me to be more than I am today.

So far, soooo good.

Un-Conditional???

Every time I wash my hair I make sure I use conditioner. It's makes my hair soft, silky and combable. And the longer you leave it in your hair the better. But what if I didn't use conditioner?? I've tried before and the outcome wasn't pretty. Rough and dry is all I can say.

But with God, he doesn't need conditioner to show love toward us. Life doesn't have to be soft and silky because his love is without stipulation, without condition. God doesn't say, "Hey come back when you've got it together," but in my most jacked up state, God is still willing to love me and shower me with blessings. God loves because He is love. There is no love like His! I think that just may be the best conditioner out there.

Where Are You?

Why does loss affect us the way it does? Small things like keys can even bring feelings of sadness, frustration and anger. Good things and people that leave us unexpectedly cause so much pain. And yet, even the things we need to get rid of bring on the garment of sorrow.

I think it's because we lose a piece of ourselves in the process.

Rain Drops Keep Fallin on My Head

I love when it rains. The sound of water soothes my soul. Don't go away sweet rain. Stay awhile...

I'm Your Father and Your Daddy

I called my dad the other day for our every other week check in. How's everything? How's the weather? How's the family? How's work? I'll talk to you later...

But this time he went into an impromptu speech. "Niesha I love you and I'm always here for you. You're doing the right thing and I can't wait to see where your path leads. You're my baby. I'm your father and your daddy." And right there was where I ran into a wall. It's so hard for me to believe what my father says. I really want to because I really feel like I've forgiven him. People say you can forgive but you shouldn't forget. But forgetting is tied to forgiving. How can I wipe his slate clean and start over if I remember everything?

A father and a daddy are two different things. A father is someone who takes time to raise, encourage and prepare a child for the world. Talk them through the bad times and wipe their tears away. A daddy is someone who brings a child into the world. I call my male parent daddy. Hopefully one day I'll feel comfortable calling him my father.

Hi, My Name is Niesha, What's Yours?

In the process of preparing for this wedding, I'm learning so much. It's as if God is bringing all kinds of stuff to the surface. Stuff that I've been hiding and holding onto. Or things that I tried not to notice. A few things I didn't want to admit. In the midst of all this, I'm getting to know the real me. I love chick flicks. I can't sing. Tuna with pickles and lots of mustard is my favorite sandwich, but Top Ramen always brings a smile to my face. Taking care of myself is okay and it shouldn't be a source of guilt. I am bossy AND loud. Fuchsia is my favorite color. I am overweight and I need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! I've been a people pleaser for far too long. I love reading. I have the gifts of prophecy and exhortation. I will not be a superstar. I am not dark skinned. Jealousy has been a frequent visitor of my heart. Flowers make me smile broadly. I like the skin I'm in, but one day I'll fall in love with it.

I don't want to hide my flaws anymore. I just wanna be me. I wanna be free! Is that okay? Will you still love me in the morning?

Can I Be Real?

People don't always get to see all of me because I'm damaged goods. I know I am. I have tried so hard all my life to be a good person, respect people, do things the right way. Yet I've found that as I get older, people could care less. Maybe it's because they have their own struggle to fight. Or maybe they don't realize you're in a struggle. So then it makes no sense to extend love and compassion, right?

I have been hurt more by people at church and people that go to church than those in the world. Am I a naysayer of church? Never. I love God and I love my church. It's the place that my destiny is attached to. But I have a difficult time (and it becomes more difficult daily, no really I mean it) loving his people and I know that needs to change. Since I've been at church I've become more insecure and more afraid to have relationships with people because of what I've gone through. My heart is so heavy right now and people treat me like I'm invisible. And they don't care.

I'm sorry for being so brutal, but can you relate to people looking dead in your face and walking past you? Then hugging everybody around you. Or maybe smiling in your face and talking about you behind your back. Or talking all this Christianese but their life doesn't add up. Or people saying they're going to do something and they flake. How can you see me struggling for over two years and not say anything?!!??!!!?!!!!! Instead I have been told that I have an attitude. Or better yet, "Sister, I see you're going through something right now." Uh, DUH!!! And then not do anything to help me.

I'm not blaming others for my problems. Yes, I have a part to blame in it all. I haven't spoken up. I haven't gotten help. I fulfill the word curses people have spoken over me and about me. I've distanced myself from others because I'm tired of feeling like a punching bag. People say what they want and do what they want with no consequence. And then when you talk to them, it's like you're speaking another language, because they don't understand you.

Maybe it's the Lord trying to grow me up. I dunno. I just wanted to get something off my chest. No one reads this blog anyway...

My struggle is real. It's not the first and it won't be the last. It's happening right now. Through my tears, my frustrations, my disappointments I'm trying to press, but I know in this season, it has to be the Lord carrying me 'cause I would've dropped out a long time ago.

And that's real!

Dreams Deferred??

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a superstar.
Singer, actress, talk show host and dancer extraordinare.
Sadly, life woke me up.
But does that mean all my dreams have to go down the drain? Yes I'm fat (can I be real?) and I can't sing, but that only stops me from a few things. Doesn't mean my life has to go down the drain with with the desires a four year old has to be loved, accepted and seen?

I want to be a doctor. No lie. Now I know why I was told to find something you want to do and stick it out. I love science. I love people. I love the mysteries of the human body. And yet here I am. I don't want to be selfish and follow my dreams at the sake of my husband and family, yet I don't want to have a mid life crisis in 15 years singing my should've could've would've --s. The bible talks about laying down my life for my friend, he would loses his life will gain it, etc.

I'm struggling y'all. Pray for me.

My First Life

Monkey bars
Ruffle Dresses
Jelly Sandwichs with the crust cut off
Juice Boxes
Halloween Costumes
Trips to Coyote Point
Barbie Corvette
Side Ponytails
Sunday School
Sticker Books
Oregon Trail
My Little Pony

Innocence

Serene Chaos

This is life in HP.

Alternate Realities

Have you ever made up your own "reality" to deal with the situations going on in your life?

For example, if everyone dislikes your favorite distressed purple jeans from 1982 that you just have to wear for "flashback Fridays". They try to discourage you from wearing them EVER, but you brush them off and say they have no taste??

It's ok, you're not the only one. Problem is, how can we face our problems if we never face them? We can't fix something that's broken if we tell ourselves it's whole. Recently, I've realized I've made a lot of realities to protect myself and keep myself sane. In the process, I think I've done some damage as well.

I'm broken, Lord. Make me whole.

Goodbye IAA, Hello World

Today's my last day with Insurance Auto Auctions. My home for the past 4.5 years. It's definitely a bittersweet moment. Despite the bad taste left in my mouth on more than one occasion, I owe IAA many thanks.

Thank you for letting me know there was no future here for me (without saying those words).

Thank you for testing my character.
Thank you for giving me great office skills.
Thank you for the opportunity to work for a corporation.
Thank you for encouraging me to continue with school and pursue my dreams.
Thank you for trusting me with so much responsibility.
Thank you for those wonderful birthdays of ice cream cakes and gift cards.
Thank you for all those relationships built, cultivated and dissolved (not always the fault of IAA).
Thank you for preparing me for the world.

L Sharp

Your love takes my breath away
Like pleasant surprises on repeat
I am
Overwhelmed
Overjoyed
At the thought of our forever
In time
What's yours is mine
Our hearts combine
Our souls intertwine
Like rainbows
Beginning and ending with treasures
For only you and I to find
Stay awhile
Kick your feet up
Looking forward
Moving forward
All in L sharp...

New Strength, Flying High

Have you never heard?
Have you never understood?
The Lord is the everlasting God,
the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
No one can measure the depths of His understanding.
He gives power to the weak and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the Lord
will find new strength.
They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
They will walk and not faint.

Isaiah 40: 28-31, NLT

A Newness of Life

How excellent is it to see and experience the blessings of God! It's like a breath of fresh air. Countless breaths of fresh air. It's so good to know you are in the middle of God's will. It strengthens your faith and helps you maintain your focus.

Interestingly enough, this time I can't say there was anything I did for God to open the floodgates of heaven. Not to say that I control God by my actions, but the Word does say that God rewards us for faithfulness. It's funny because we often attribute our blessings to something we did. Girl, I fasted. I laid before the Lord for three days. I gave my whole check for tithing. I helped the old lady and her dog cross the street. But this time, that's not my testimony. God blessed me because he loves me. Period. I don't understand, but I know that as God grows me, I am learning to accept the good and the bad and praise Him because He's in control of it all.

Yesterday I was talking to someone about baptisms and was reminded of what Pastor says to each of us when we go down in that bone chilling water. Something really does happen and I feel like it's happening to my spirit as we speak:

Niesha,
I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit
Into the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth
That just as Jesus died and was buried and rose from the grave
Even so now you are going to walk in a newness of life...

No Fairytales Here...

Nothing fell into my lap
No silver spoons here
Just a few cups of hard work
A heaping tablespoon of mothering
A pinch of resilience
and an abundance of grace

And all that I am
I owe to Him
Because He kept me in my ignorance
And washed me in His blood
For that I am
Forever
Grateful

Rebuilding the Temple

A few days ago I was led to read the book of Haggai. Yes, there is such a book. Very short, in the OT. It hit home for me in a big way. It speaks of hard work without receiving the full worth of your labor. The Lord then tells them it is because they have neglected the temple. He tells them to have a response of obedience and rebuild the temple in order to see all they do prosper.

You know when it seems like you're standing still and the world is moving around you. I want so badly to achieve and move forward in my life, but I feel like I've been running in place for so long. Expending energy, without reward. But I am so grateful to read God's Word and be reminded to work on rebuilding the temple because God promises success when He is taken care of in our lives.

In the midst of me preparing to be a wife, mother, and world changer, I must prepare my temple. I know I have to prepare, but the call can seem overwhelming. This scripture, however, brought relief to remind me that making my temple a place where God can reside is most important. So I have begun and will continue to work on myself physically, mentally and spiritually. I have to take care of my temple and rebuild the places that have been damaged and destroyed. When the Holy Spirit is truly at home in this surrendered in this temple, I will know no greater peace.

All I have

Isn't it interesting how when we look at others it seems like their life is so full and rich and lovely?? How often do we see the same things within ourselves??

Maybe I'm the only person trippin' but it really always seems like the grass is greener on the other side. Like everyone else has a secret to life I have yet to discover. All the family and friends and parties and social lives and extra curriculars and exercise and good health and good hair and good jobs and good food.

So I'm sitting here on my bed looking at all the wonderful things everyone else has going on and I look at a photo of me and Floyd and say, "All I have is you," as if I was given a short end of some life stick. But I catch myself and come to my senses. In the midst of life, those simple meaningful things are all that really matter because it gives the voice of God more room to direct minus all the clutter and baggage. I heard someone say the other day that only 90% of your decisions in life really matter. And in regards to the things that really matter, I made the right decisions. So all that excess means nothing if the basis of my life aren't secure. I have. I lack nothing but good sense. And I'll get some of that, Lord willing. I am blessed beyond measure. Loved beyond measure. My life will NEVER look like the ones around me. And once I come to my good senses and realize that, things will be so much easier...

All I have is you.

All I have is me.

How can I be full

But still so empty?

Caught in a whirlwind

But yet still lonely...

Took my eyes off the prize

And started feeling blue

But looked into His heart

Love began to shine through

All I have is truth

All I have is peace

All I have is eternal life and life abundantly

All I have is me

All I have is you

And that's more than

Enough

A journey, not a destination

Being on a love journey is not an easy thing. It seems like it should be second nature to love, but love is not simple. It's complex and it requires a risk of everything. Past, present and future. And you can't love everybody the same. But in learning to love God, I learn to love me, and loving others becomes so much easier. I am so blessed to be on this journey with a man that loves God and is willing to grow in love. Because, just as our life together is a journey, so is our love. And that love is grounded in Jesus Christ. So welcome aboard the love boat. I invite you to come along for the journey as I prepare to become a bride for my bridegroom...