Unexpected Outcome

I was 16 years old when I decided to give my life to the Lord. It was the spring semester of my senior year in high school. I was getting ready to go off to college and I knew it would be a good idea to have God on my side if I wanted to succeed.

Salvation was not what I expected. And since then, life has not been what I expected, either.

As I enter this new genre in my life, I am revisiting this time and relishing in the fact that although the flavor was different, the taste was still good. Salvation from the outside appeared a lot different from actual experiences. True Christianity sticks a big mirror in your face, shows you how jacked up you are, then gives you the tools you need to be more like Christ. No, I'm not an overnight sensation, but I know that as I continue to submit myself to the truth, I will be made free. And that's all I ever wanted to be.

Brave New World

Recently, I decided to inject death to my obsession with social networking sites. Although I did not close my accounts, I did remove them from my iPhone. My lack of computer use does leave my accounts on life support. It's interesting how much time I spent following the lives of people I rarely, if ever, talk to in person or on the phone. Is conversation dead??

The attachments to Facebook and Twitter were immobilizing for me. It was challenging the first few days to really let go. But now it's like a breath of fresh air. Being in the loop made me feel included. Being outside the loop, however, isn't less inclusive, just different. I no longer have a play-by-play outline of your day, info on who was being stupid at your job, a new cause you want me to support, or access to your vacay photos, but somehow I receive the important information in a timely fashion. Introspection has caused me to realize that if I want to change the world, I'm going to have to start sooner than later. Watching you live your life has not brought me one step closer to my dreams. It's time to stop watching, talking and tweeting, and time to start being about my bizness!!

Gaps of Loss

This week I was thinking about how different my life is without people who are no longer apart of my life. Either by death or circumstance, I have been separated from many people along the way. Many of them have been women who helped raise me. I've missed them a lot lately, as I wonder what things would have been like if they were still around. I really wish they were still here to encourage me and cheer me along. I'm quite sure things would have been extremely different if they were still around.

And then there's the others who aren't here because they were only for a season. I still wonder where life has taken them, if they ever achieved the goals they set out to accomplish. I smile at the memories and pray for the best, hoping that if it's God's will our paths will cross and we can share good news in passing.

As we get older, our lives become more and more like swiss cheese. As we lose people, there are more and more holes left vacant in our lives. We lose apart of ourselves in the process. But it is my prayer that God would fill the holes and keep me whole and sane in order to accomplish His will until my time comes.

Weaknesses

Five years ago I got my prophecy. I'll never forget the first words. It's a phrase that's ricocheted in my soul before any of the spectators even knew my name. Before I understood what the words meant. Words I couldn't vocalize because I didn't want to breathe them into the atmosphere, causing my world to come crashing down around me.

"The Lord says that you don't fit in."

It's my thorn. The thing that won't be removed from my side. My life. Sometimes it feels like a stake. I'm not an outcast, just a puzzle piece in the wrong box. But my stake has also become a crutch. So I bounce from trying to be the social being that I know I am to sitting alone in my apartment all day with nothing but electricity, water and oxygen. The inability to find balance between the two is disheartening.

Honestly, sometimes I think I'm going crazy.

God's Word declares that His strength is made perfect in weakness. My weakness takes on many faces at once, never running out of ways to reveal itself. But I find comfort in knowing that the awkwardness I feel all melts in the presence of God. Often it's the only place where I feel normal. Like I do fit in. Like all of me is okay. Even the craziness.

Spawn of Satan?

Am I really a heathen if I don't attend every service, class or workshop held at church? Since when is attending one service on Sunday instead of both a measure of godliness? I am the first to admit that my relationship with God is overdue to be taken to the next level, but because I don't punch my ticket five times a week doesn't make me less of a Christian. I love God. Yes, He knows my heart, but that's not my excuse, nor is it ever a good excuse (it's wicked, duh!). I just want to be loved where I am minus the name calling and stares.

Please and thank you.

Raw and Uncut

It all boils down to rejection and abandonment.

As life rolls down its bumpy road, I've embarked on a quest to love God and allow Him to love me. And in doing so, I have to face the music more than I bargained for. The process never fails to be painful, but God proves to be faithful. For one, I never thought I'd be where I am today. My life took a detour (to say the least) that I've just now begun to forgive myself for. My cloud wasn't just silver lined, however, but now I know it was a silver cloud.

But now moving forward there's a weight holding me down. I can't make true relationships because I have a timer in my head that ticks and reminds me that there's no need to try because once they find out the real me, then they'll be gone. I'm always on the defense, just in case someone decides to pack their bags and leave, because I want to protect myself from the endless cycle of rejection and abandonment.

I think it started when I was a kid, but has grown extensively over these last five years. Life's lessons can leave you bloodied and bruised and the people you trust the most are usually the offenders.

I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. And for the most part, I believe I am, but it only takes one thing to send them fleeing. So I walk on eggshells and hold back in hopes that it will be enough. But I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't know what it takes to move forward, but I hope this time I won't abort the mission before it's complete.

No Difference

At church, I'm always moved when Pastor says that Jesus would have suffered all the shame and pain and died on the cross if I were the only one on the planet. And I believe him. God's love can make you feel like you're the only one on the planet. Like you're unique, special and understood. He sees the quirkiness and silliness and corniness and isn't turned away. He knows my greatest fears, deepest hurts and isn't shaken. He knows the real me, better than I know myself, and is cool with the complete package. Like that one friend that hangs around through your foolishness and loves you just the same. I can be me and know He's not going anywhere.

But sometimes I forget that just like Jesus would have died just for me, only me, he would have died for only her, too. Or him for that matter. Because that's God. He loves that person, just as much as me...

***Stop and rewind***

...JUST AS MUCH AS ME

I'm not any better than her or him. And nothing I can say or do will ever change that. This isn't a 'crabs in a barrel' type of thing. I don't have to fight for my Daddy's love. There's enough to go around. And there always will be.