Raw and Uncut

It all boils down to rejection and abandonment.

As life rolls down its bumpy road, I've embarked on a quest to love God and allow Him to love me. And in doing so, I have to face the music more than I bargained for. The process never fails to be painful, but God proves to be faithful. For one, I never thought I'd be where I am today. My life took a detour (to say the least) that I've just now begun to forgive myself for. My cloud wasn't just silver lined, however, but now I know it was a silver cloud.

But now moving forward there's a weight holding me down. I can't make true relationships because I have a timer in my head that ticks and reminds me that there's no need to try because once they find out the real me, then they'll be gone. I'm always on the defense, just in case someone decides to pack their bags and leave, because I want to protect myself from the endless cycle of rejection and abandonment.

I think it started when I was a kid, but has grown extensively over these last five years. Life's lessons can leave you bloodied and bruised and the people you trust the most are usually the offenders.

I just want to be loved and accepted for who I am. And for the most part, I believe I am, but it only takes one thing to send them fleeing. So I walk on eggshells and hold back in hopes that it will be enough. But I don't want to play this game anymore. I don't know what it takes to move forward, but I hope this time I won't abort the mission before it's complete.