Can I Be Real?

People don't always get to see all of me because I'm damaged goods. I know I am. I have tried so hard all my life to be a good person, respect people, do things the right way. Yet I've found that as I get older, people could care less. Maybe it's because they have their own struggle to fight. Or maybe they don't realize you're in a struggle. So then it makes no sense to extend love and compassion, right?

I have been hurt more by people at church and people that go to church than those in the world. Am I a naysayer of church? Never. I love God and I love my church. It's the place that my destiny is attached to. But I have a difficult time (and it becomes more difficult daily, no really I mean it) loving his people and I know that needs to change. Since I've been at church I've become more insecure and more afraid to have relationships with people because of what I've gone through. My heart is so heavy right now and people treat me like I'm invisible. And they don't care.

I'm sorry for being so brutal, but can you relate to people looking dead in your face and walking past you? Then hugging everybody around you. Or maybe smiling in your face and talking about you behind your back. Or talking all this Christianese but their life doesn't add up. Or people saying they're going to do something and they flake. How can you see me struggling for over two years and not say anything?!!??!!!?!!!!! Instead I have been told that I have an attitude. Or better yet, "Sister, I see you're going through something right now." Uh, DUH!!! And then not do anything to help me.

I'm not blaming others for my problems. Yes, I have a part to blame in it all. I haven't spoken up. I haven't gotten help. I fulfill the word curses people have spoken over me and about me. I've distanced myself from others because I'm tired of feeling like a punching bag. People say what they want and do what they want with no consequence. And then when you talk to them, it's like you're speaking another language, because they don't understand you.

Maybe it's the Lord trying to grow me up. I dunno. I just wanted to get something off my chest. No one reads this blog anyway...

My struggle is real. It's not the first and it won't be the last. It's happening right now. Through my tears, my frustrations, my disappointments I'm trying to press, but I know in this season, it has to be the Lord carrying me 'cause I would've dropped out a long time ago.

And that's real!