Un-Conditional???

Every time I wash my hair I make sure I use conditioner. It's makes my hair soft, silky and combable. And the longer you leave it in your hair the better. But what if I didn't use conditioner?? I've tried before and the outcome wasn't pretty. Rough and dry is all I can say.

But with God, he doesn't need conditioner to show love toward us. Life doesn't have to be soft and silky because his love is without stipulation, without condition. God doesn't say, "Hey come back when you've got it together," but in my most jacked up state, God is still willing to love me and shower me with blessings. God loves because He is love. There is no love like His! I think that just may be the best conditioner out there.

Where Are You?

Why does loss affect us the way it does? Small things like keys can even bring feelings of sadness, frustration and anger. Good things and people that leave us unexpectedly cause so much pain. And yet, even the things we need to get rid of bring on the garment of sorrow.

I think it's because we lose a piece of ourselves in the process.

Rain Drops Keep Fallin on My Head

I love when it rains. The sound of water soothes my soul. Don't go away sweet rain. Stay awhile...

I'm Your Father and Your Daddy

I called my dad the other day for our every other week check in. How's everything? How's the weather? How's the family? How's work? I'll talk to you later...

But this time he went into an impromptu speech. "Niesha I love you and I'm always here for you. You're doing the right thing and I can't wait to see where your path leads. You're my baby. I'm your father and your daddy." And right there was where I ran into a wall. It's so hard for me to believe what my father says. I really want to because I really feel like I've forgiven him. People say you can forgive but you shouldn't forget. But forgetting is tied to forgiving. How can I wipe his slate clean and start over if I remember everything?

A father and a daddy are two different things. A father is someone who takes time to raise, encourage and prepare a child for the world. Talk them through the bad times and wipe their tears away. A daddy is someone who brings a child into the world. I call my male parent daddy. Hopefully one day I'll feel comfortable calling him my father.

Hi, My Name is Niesha, What's Yours?

In the process of preparing for this wedding, I'm learning so much. It's as if God is bringing all kinds of stuff to the surface. Stuff that I've been hiding and holding onto. Or things that I tried not to notice. A few things I didn't want to admit. In the midst of all this, I'm getting to know the real me. I love chick flicks. I can't sing. Tuna with pickles and lots of mustard is my favorite sandwich, but Top Ramen always brings a smile to my face. Taking care of myself is okay and it shouldn't be a source of guilt. I am bossy AND loud. Fuchsia is my favorite color. I am overweight and I need to DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! I've been a people pleaser for far too long. I love reading. I have the gifts of prophecy and exhortation. I will not be a superstar. I am not dark skinned. Jealousy has been a frequent visitor of my heart. Flowers make me smile broadly. I like the skin I'm in, but one day I'll fall in love with it.

I don't want to hide my flaws anymore. I just wanna be me. I wanna be free! Is that okay? Will you still love me in the morning?

Can I Be Real?

People don't always get to see all of me because I'm damaged goods. I know I am. I have tried so hard all my life to be a good person, respect people, do things the right way. Yet I've found that as I get older, people could care less. Maybe it's because they have their own struggle to fight. Or maybe they don't realize you're in a struggle. So then it makes no sense to extend love and compassion, right?

I have been hurt more by people at church and people that go to church than those in the world. Am I a naysayer of church? Never. I love God and I love my church. It's the place that my destiny is attached to. But I have a difficult time (and it becomes more difficult daily, no really I mean it) loving his people and I know that needs to change. Since I've been at church I've become more insecure and more afraid to have relationships with people because of what I've gone through. My heart is so heavy right now and people treat me like I'm invisible. And they don't care.

I'm sorry for being so brutal, but can you relate to people looking dead in your face and walking past you? Then hugging everybody around you. Or maybe smiling in your face and talking about you behind your back. Or talking all this Christianese but their life doesn't add up. Or people saying they're going to do something and they flake. How can you see me struggling for over two years and not say anything?!!??!!!?!!!!! Instead I have been told that I have an attitude. Or better yet, "Sister, I see you're going through something right now." Uh, DUH!!! And then not do anything to help me.

I'm not blaming others for my problems. Yes, I have a part to blame in it all. I haven't spoken up. I haven't gotten help. I fulfill the word curses people have spoken over me and about me. I've distanced myself from others because I'm tired of feeling like a punching bag. People say what they want and do what they want with no consequence. And then when you talk to them, it's like you're speaking another language, because they don't understand you.

Maybe it's the Lord trying to grow me up. I dunno. I just wanted to get something off my chest. No one reads this blog anyway...

My struggle is real. It's not the first and it won't be the last. It's happening right now. Through my tears, my frustrations, my disappointments I'm trying to press, but I know in this season, it has to be the Lord carrying me 'cause I would've dropped out a long time ago.

And that's real!

Dreams Deferred??

When I was growing up, I wanted to be a superstar.
Singer, actress, talk show host and dancer extraordinare.
Sadly, life woke me up.
But does that mean all my dreams have to go down the drain? Yes I'm fat (can I be real?) and I can't sing, but that only stops me from a few things. Doesn't mean my life has to go down the drain with with the desires a four year old has to be loved, accepted and seen?

I want to be a doctor. No lie. Now I know why I was told to find something you want to do and stick it out. I love science. I love people. I love the mysteries of the human body. And yet here I am. I don't want to be selfish and follow my dreams at the sake of my husband and family, yet I don't want to have a mid life crisis in 15 years singing my should've could've would've --s. The bible talks about laying down my life for my friend, he would loses his life will gain it, etc.

I'm struggling y'all. Pray for me.

My First Life

Monkey bars
Ruffle Dresses
Jelly Sandwichs with the crust cut off
Juice Boxes
Halloween Costumes
Trips to Coyote Point
Barbie Corvette
Side Ponytails
Sunday School
Sticker Books
Oregon Trail
My Little Pony

Innocence