The Star That's Ready to Shine

Just call me Niestar because it's time for me to shine. I have to put my best foot forward this time. This year is the year my life will change forever. I'll cross the threshold into womanhood as my hair blows in the wind. I'll talk about married life and how good it is, praying that it'll get nothing but better. I'll travel out of the country and meet my father-in-law and pray he won't look at me like a little 'merican girl. I'll finally get my own place and have the opportunity to put my stamp on everything. I can have people over for dinner parties or just to watch TV. I can disciple my girls with an actual place to take them. I'll work on being a better me from the inside out. I'll get the most revelation from God than I ever have and I'll understand my purpose in this world. I'll let go of the past and experience all the future has to hold, drama free. I'll write, I'll dance, I'll sing, I'll laugh, I'll laugh 'til I cry, I'll accept, I'll grown up, I'll press in, I'll look up and I'll love.

Fight or Flight

Ever since I was a little girl, I always had a plan prepared to run away. Just in case things got too bad, too difficult to handle. Quite honestly, that has followed me into adulthood. Lately that feeling has been coming back. The plotting has begun again. I know where I would go and how I would do it. I'd run so far, so fast, without looking back. Start all over with a new life. A new life. That's a breath of fresh air. This one's riddled with too many mistakes, too many regrets. But what about my mom? I'd send her letters, checks, make sure she's taken care of. It's the least I could do. Everyone else would forget and move on with their lives. They already have.

It's Pretty Time!

This wedding is bringing out my knit-picking side. The part of me that wants everything to be perfect, yet look effortless. But baby, pretty ain't never effortless!

So I'm on a hype now. Keeping my nails done, hair done, and working on the rest. I want to look in a mirror and be pleased, not avoid one like I've been doing since I don't meet my own standards of beauty. If I'm self-confident, then I can encourage and love my husband even more and everyone else for that matter.

You say, "What does your appearance have to do with self-confidence? Can't you be supportive without all that?" How I feel on the inside is reflected in my appearance. I give, care and love even when I don't feel good or don't feel like it, but how much more effective could I be if I were taking care of myself??

Either way, watch out world. It may not be today or tomorrow, but I'm coming and I'm coming strong!!

God Has a Sense of Humor!

It's funny how when you really need to hear an encouraging word, God will send it through the most unlikely vessel. I have people who just act downright crazy speaking words of knowledge to me and they have no clue. Don't you tell me that God can't use anyone. If He can use a donkey...

The Breakup Letter I Never Wrote But Should Have

Who do you think you are? After I gave you my time, my money, my life you say it's over? Oh no, let's set the record straight. I'm the one calling it quits. I'm tired of having to submit to you, yet you continuously remind me you're not my husband. I'm tired of having to drive over an hour to see you two, three times a week and you do nothing. I'm tired of feeling the residue of sin when I cross Sacramento city limits. Like a fool I let you sit and tell me about some girl you were obsessed with at your church and how you two would go out together. But in the same breath you told me it was okay because we weren't in a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I should have been done with you then, but like a young, dumb fool I stayed.

I'm tired of living with the regret of the decisions I made with you. You controlled me all in the name of the Lord. And I fell for it. Hard. I still don't feel strong enough to stand on my own two feet, but that's all about to change. I have a destiny to fulfill, and it obviously doesn't include you. You made that perfectly clear with your ultimatum email. It's time to move onward and upward. I'm breaking up with you forever. This is the closure we never had because you said we needed to not talk for a while, which turned into 4 years of unanswered questions. But it's all good. I've found someone that's willing to love me, not criticize me or fit me into his little mold. He gives me what I need and doesn't make me choose between him and my mother, family, school, or church. He supports me and doesn't forsake me. He doesn't love me just when it's convenient. It's becoming clear now. You were just for a season. He is forever. So thanks for the good memories, because there were some. But I am now officially breaking the ties to all guilt, shame, fear and disobedience that are tied to your name. I've gotta move on.


Simply put, I'm through with you. Goodbye.

Sisterhood

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted a best friend. Someone to laugh with and fight with and no matter what, we would always stick together. We would go through the stages of life together: husbands, kids, menopause. We would encourage each other, cry together, sacrifice for each other. All for the sake of sisterhood.

Then I realized, what I really want is a sister.

I've been looking for friends to fill the void of a relationship I should have with my sisters. And now my fiancee has to deal with the fact that I see him as the one to fill all the voids left in my life. Praise God for this revelation. The only one that can fill my voids is Jesus. And as I continue to pray, I know that God will give me the desires of my heart in due time.

True Emotion

Yet in all things we are more than conquerors though Him who loved us. -Romans 8:37

My Relay Experience

I've been planning on running the CIM since January. I started off here and there with my training, picked up in September and October, then nothing. As the year progressed, life got in the way and stopped me from preparing.
One of my life's dreams was to be a long distance runner. They are so serious and focused! And most of all, they reap the benefit of their labor as they cross the finish line. My dad was the one that actually told me that if I ran the relay, I had to run the last leg so I would know what it felt like to be a winner. Luckily for me, the last leg was the shortest, so I was able to convince my team to let me run the last leg.
This past week was hard. Final papers, premarital counseling and a race?? I still hadn't trained for the race and was pretty discouraged about everything. Premarital counseling was weighing on me, work was still up in the air and I still wasn't meeting my goals. I complained about the race, I tried to talk others into running for me, I prayed that I would get sick. ANYTHING to get out of this race!!
I finally just cried out to God and left it all up to Him. I told Him if I ran the race, it would be because of His power and grace because I had nothing to bring to the table. Then I remembered God has been faithful to meet every need, no matter how difficult. The new motto became: Is there anything too hard for the Lord?
I headed up to Sac with a positive attitude, ready to conquer the race. Sunday morning greeted me with 29 degree weather. We boarded the bus for the 4th leg, waited for three hours, then got off the bus to wait at the third exchange line. My teammate didn't cross the line until after 11. I knew it would take me at least an hour and a half to complete my 5.7 mile leg. I strapped on my timer and off I went. A slow steady trot got me through the first mile. In the second mile, I was confronted by a hill. Still not sure why, but I felt like Caleb. Maybe David and Goliath was a better comparison. I had to conquer the hill! I picked up the pace and made it to the top. I took off my jacket, wrapped it around my waist, took off my hat and held it in my hand. It was running time.
Everything was good for a while, but all of a sudden I got really tired. I'd run for 30 seconds, then walk. I kept it up for almost a mile!! God bless those relief workers! I was able to get a cup of water and I downed it as it dribbled across my chin. I didn't care. Finishing was more important than looking cute. I called on God again, reminding Him of his promises to me. He told me to sing, "You are a mighty God." And I did. So He went from mighty in verse one, to faithful in verse two, and holy in verse three. It worked. I was running at a steady pace again and almost through another mile.
Did I already say relief workers are a blessing?? They gave me some Gu and I'm telling you, that stuff was made in heaven!! I turned into a super hero, taking the course by storm!! I guess running on an empty stomach isn't a good idea...
Much of the rest of the course is a blur. Toward the end, I saw the finish line and I knew I had done it. I was a finisher by the grace of God. The closer I got, I realized the sign wasn't the finish, but a freeway entrance sign! AHHH!!! Along the way I saw quite a few members of the church, walking back to the hotel. Was I that slow? It didn't matter at that point, I was finishing!! Made two lefts and there was the finish! Oh glory hallelujah!! There was Floyd, Elder Mike and Deacon Gary cheering me on. The last ones standing!
Looking back I realize, this is all a faith walk! Trusting and believing God is the beginning and the ending. And praise God I made it to the end!!

We Don't Die, We Multiply!

Pre-Marital Counseling is rough! Don't let anyone tell you differently! So many things are revealed that you never really took the time to pay attention to. Or, it could be things you never really wanted to see.

BAM! WHOOSH! POW! ZING!

YOU'RE CAUGHT IN A WHIRLWIND OF FEELINGS, EMOTIONS, AND THOUGHTS RACING THOUGH YOUR MIND LIKE THE INDY 500. WHAT TO DO, HOW TO DO IT, AND DOING IT AS QUICKLY AS POSSIBLE.

STOP!!!!

Then you think: Is all this really worth it?

The love I have for my betrothed won't die, no matter what we go through. This is how I know it's real.

This is how I know it's God.

Unequivocally, YES!!